Hot sausage and mustard? Cold jelly and custard? The kid in that Oliver movie was just a bit precious, if you want the opinion of this labrador. He said he was hungry. He said he wanted more gruel, please Sir,  and went all mopey-faced when he didn’t get it, but he JUST. DIDN’T. THINK. OUTSIDE. THE BOX. Food doesn’t just land in a bowl because you ask for it. I’ve learned this the hard way. You need to be a little creative to fill your belly.

Shoes are made from leather are made from cows. Cows are made from steak. Therefore shoes are basically made from steak. I’ve eaten PLENTY of shoes since I arrived in this house, and I’m growing just fine. The shoelaces get a little stuck on the way down, but there’ve been no major mishaps yet. Since the leather ones were good, I tried out a few other varieties too, since you just don’t know till you give them a go. Thongs, flip-flops, jandals – flippers made of foam – whatever they are – feel AMAZING in the mouth and on sore teeth. Don’t knock it till you try it. I saw one of those little miniature humans in the 3-wheel buggy things chewing on his foamy flippers the other day too when we were out walking. I caught his eye, and we just gave each other a nod. To good taste and mutual respect. Gumboots are good too. They squeak.

PUPPY’S DAILY TIP: SHOES ARE MADE FROM STEAK. 

People food is amazing. Cheese is the best of all even though it hurts my stomach when I run away with too much. And so are those funny cardboard calendars that have chocolates hiding inside them. It was December, and both girls brought one home on the first day. It was on the desk in the bedroom, and the smell was driving me so crazy I couldn’t sleep. I thought it was best to get rid of it. It wasn’t hard – they don’t weld those windows on the picture of the house closed very well. I felt really sick after eating 24 chocolates though so I called the mum Kim in the middle of the night after I’d finished. She didn’t sleep then anymore either because she was looking on the computer to see how many grams of chocolate I could eat before it was toxic. She said I was ok “you stupid dog”. Sometimes she can be a bit grumpy when it’s the middle of the night.

Quite a few of these things I’ve eaten make the people go all weird and squeaky and big-eyed when they talk to you afterwards. The little girl, L, gets pretty mad at me sometimes when she says “you keep ruining EVERYTHING Kira!” which I think is not entirely true. There are plenty of toys still in her room. They’re mostly a bit too high to reach for the moment, but I’ll keep practising during the night when she sleeps. She cried about her chewed up glasses and the calendar and some of her soft toys, so I’ll try to only eat the things that might make her a bit squeaky.

The mum, Kim, also went a bit crazy one day when I got a bit sick. OK, a lot sick. A few times I was really hungry, hanging around all day while the people were at work and school, and there was NOTHING to do (eat). There were plenty of bits of poo around though, and they were food when they went in, right? Why wouldn’t they be food when they come out? So, I ate them. A lot. I’ll admit – it wasn’t great. But it was something to do and it filled a hole. Problem is, next morning I was really sick. And the sick nearly made the mum sick. I don’t really like telling you this last part, but I agreed to be honest and I need to help you out by warning you ahead so you don’t make the same food mistakes I have. So, just in case I haven’t been clear enough above, one further, quite important tip is: DON’T EAT POO. (Unless it’s SHAMpoo. That one tastes quite ok, even though it makes your mouth a bit slimy and gluey, like snails.)

Enjoy my friends! Eat a new flower or leaf this month and report back, ok?

x Kira